


The Official Ace Ops Communications Channel

by HopeStoryteller



Category: RWBY
Genre: (Just Trust Me), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, F/F, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Let Clover Say Fuck, Let Ruby Say Fuck, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Qrow Branwen Swears, Shovel Talk, Specifically Ships and Characters, Swearing, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:34:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 10,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22639306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeStoryteller/pseuds/HopeStoryteller
Summary: In light of the Amity Communications Tower project, General Ironwood decides it may be a good idea to have a communications channel among everyone working on it.Nobody really wants to talk about what happened the last time the Ace Ops had a group chat. Whatever it was, it won't happen again. Probably. After all, it's not going tostayjust the Ace Ops.
Relationships: Blake Belladonna/Yang Xiao Long, Elm Ederne/Vine Zeki, Jaune Arc/Lie Ren/Nora Valkyrie, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Penny Polendina/Ruby Rose/Weiss Schnee, Qrow Branwen/Clover Ebi, Robyn Hill/Winter Schnee
Comments: 622
Kudos: 681





	1. The Official Ace Ops Communications Channel

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7324573) by [ArcaneAdagio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcaneAdagio/pseuds/ArcaneAdagio). 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clover reopens the official comms channel, an undefined amount of time after an undefined incident that _probably_ wasn't caused by him. Definitely not. Nope. Also, Clover Ebi has never in his life been remotely straight or subtle.

_Moderator_ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _reopened channel <The Official Ace Ops Communications Channel> _

_User_ **_DoverT_ ** _logged in_

 **DoverT:** are we really doing this again

 **LuckyCharm:** we do need an effective way to communicate with our new allies

 **DoverT:** and??? We can’t??? Just talk to each other why???

 **LuckyCharm:** a private communications channel will give us a way to contact everyone at once. the general has agreed

 **DoverT:** does he not remember why this channel was closed in the first place

 **LuckyCharm:** he agreed, so apparently not

 **LuckyCharm:** just to be safe I’ll rename this before we invite anyone new

 **DoverT:** you mean that guy with the cape and the five o’clock shadow

 **LuckyCharm:** as a matter of fact yes, I do mean Qrow

 **DoverT:** you’re on a first name basis??? Goddamn

 **LuckyCharm:** very funny, harriet, I’ll have you know he was quite adamant about not being called huntsman branwen

 _User_ **_Vine_ ** _logged in_

 **Vine:** We’re doing this again.

 **DoverT:** we’re doing this again

 **LuckyCharm:** it can’t possibly be that bad

 **Vine:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3oorp6.jpg>

**Vine:** Yes, yes it can.

 **LuckyCharm:** ...you know. I was about to say ‘what’s the worst that could happen’

 **LuckyCharm:** but at this point I think I’m just going to finish setting this up before anyone else logs on

 _User_ **_goodestboy_ ** _logged on_

 _Moderator_ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _renamed channel to <Communications Channel> _

**goodestboy:** we’re doing WHAT :O

 **LuckyCharm:** reestablishing a communications channel in order to better communicate with our new allies from vale

 **goodestboy:** oh you want to flirt, why didn’t you say so :)

 **LuckyCharm:** are you actually kidding me

 **goodestboy:** nope :)

 **LuckyCharm:** marrow

 _User_ **_HAMMERTIME_ ** _logged on_

 **HAMMERTIME:** oh PLEASE its not like youre at all subtle

 **DoverT:** yeahhhh…

 **Vine:** With all due respect, Clover, you’re gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.

 **LuckyCharm:** I hate you all

 **Vine:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3oorij.jpg>

**LuckyCharm:** vine

 **LuckyCharm:** I am going to add them to this channel now

 **LuckyCharm:** the general expects you all to be at least relatively mature

 **LuckyCharm:** please don’t be the reason this gets shut down a second time

 **DoverT:** look who’s talking

 **LuckyCharm:** mistakes were made, they will not be made again

_ <Private message from **HAMMERTIME** to **Vine** > _

**_HAMMERTIME:_ ** _i give it a week_

_ <Private message from **Vine** to **HAMMERTIME** > _

**_Vine:_ ** _Perhaps not. He seems determined._

 **HAMMERTIME:** determined to get some DICK

 **goodestboy:** elm that wasn’t on private :)

 **HAMMERTIME:** FUCK

 **goodestboy:** :P

 **LuckyCharm:** I’m going to choose to ignore that


	2. The Suffocating Pressure to Conform to Societal Norms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is added to the chat. Mostly everyone is in the meeting with Ironwood still, not that this is going to stop Penny. Or Oscar, although he might have snuck out. Elm should be more careful with her scroll.

_Moderator_ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _added_ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _,_ **_PENNYV2_ ** _,_ **_I_Am_Winter_ ** _,_ **_nyoompetals_ ** _,_ **_SchneezyPeasy_ ** _,_ **_shadowstrike_ ** _,_ **_PUNches_ ** _,_ **_sword_n_shield_ ** _,_ **_noraYES_ ** _,_ **_ospine_ ** _, and_ **_RenTheNinja_ ** _to <Communications Channel> _

**LuckyCharm:** okay I think that’s everyone

 **LuckyCharm:** _@everyone_ this is the official communications channel for operations regarding the amity tower project. updates coming soon

 _User_ **_ospine_ ** _logged in_

 **ospine:** i uh

 **ospine:** i think u forgot general ironwood

 **LuckyCharm:** he should already have access to this channel, but thank you for checking

 **ospine:** also am i supposed to b in here

 **ospine:** like im not complainin i just wanna know if i need to lurk to stay in here or not

 **goodestboy:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **LuckyCharm:** ah, you’re oscar. you should be fine.

 **ospine:** k cool

 **ospine:** ill just be here then

 **DoverT:** yo where is everyone new??

 **ospine:** uh rwby jnr and qrow are gettin briefed by the general

 **ospine:** idk where or who those other two are

 **PENNYV2:** Winter and I are also being briefed by General Ironwood. :)

 **ospine:** wait were you in here the whole time

 **LuckyCharm:** no?

 **PENNYV2:** Perks of being a robot! :D

 **PENNYV2:** I’m never offline!

 **PENNYV2:** I don’t even need a scroll!

 **HAMMERTIME:** LUCKY

 **PENNYV2:** ???

 **Vine:** It has been nine days since the last time Elm broke her scroll.

 **Vine:** If I’m being completely honest, that’s a record.

 **HAMMERTIME:** LISTEN YOU FUCKER

 **HAMMERTIME:** AT LEAST I DIDNT ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT THE GENERALS STRESS BEARD TO THE MAN HIMSELF

 **Vine:** We don’t talk about that.

 **HAMMERTIME:** THEN DONT TALK ABOUT MY SCRO

 **PENNYV2:** ????????

 **goodestboy:** hang on i’ll go find her :>

 **goodestboy:** oh :<

 **goodestboy:** update the count, 0 days since the last time elm broke her scroll

 **Vine:** F.

 **goodestboy:** f

 **LuckyCharm:** f

 **DoverT:** F

 **ospine:** f

 _ <Private message from _ **_PENNYV2_ ** _to_ **_ospine_ ** _ > _

**_PENNYV2:_ ** _Salutations, Oscar! Do you have any idea what they mean by the letter F?_

 _ <Private message from _ **_ospine_ ** _to_ **_PENNYV2_ ** _ > _

**_ospine:_ ** _gonna b honest w u_

 **_ospine:_ ** _no_

 _ <Private message from _ **_PENNYV2_ ** _to_ **_ospine_ ** _ > _

**_PENNYV2:_ ** _Oh, okay! I believe I understand!_

 **_PENNYV2:_ ** _It’s the suffocating pressure to conform to societal norms!_

 _ <Private message from _ **_ospine_ ** _to_ **_PENNYV2_ ** _ > _

**_ospine:_ ** _um_

 **_ospine:_ ** _sure_

 **PENNYV2:** F!

 **Vine:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3osodz.jpg>

**goodestboy:** elm’s reading over my shoulder

 **goodestboy:** she’s telling you to shove it vine

 **Vine:** Tell her where she can shove it.

 **goodestboy:** i can’t she tried to grab my scroll and i ran

 **DoverT:** probably the smart thing to do, we don’t need two broken scrolls in the span of a few minutes

 **LuckyCharm:** agreed

 **LuckyCharm:** anyway, _@PENNYV2_ do you have any idea how long this meeting will be?

 **PENNYV2:** Nope!

 **PENNYV2:** The general does seem to be winding down though if that counts for anything!

 **ospine:** does that count for anythin

 **PENNYV2:** Nope!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can _probably_ tell who's who from their usernames. If not, feel free to ask :P


	3. I'm the Bird Guy... Duh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The meeting is over, and everyone is here! Cue the chaos, because what else ever happens when a group chat is concerned? Uncle Qrow is getting hugged and he has absolutely no say in the matter.

**PENNYV2:** The meeting is over!

 _User_ **_I_Am_Winter_ ** _logged in_

 **I_Am_Winter:** What is this?

 **PENNYV2:** Comms channel!

 **I_Am_Winter:** That, I know.

 **I_Am_Winter:** Did General Ironwood forget about what happened the last time there was a private Ace Operative channel?

 **LuckyCharm:** honestly? probably

 **LuckyCharm:** lucky me

 **I_Am_Winter:** Indeed.

 _User_ **_nyoompetals_ ** _logged in_

 _User_ **_SchneezyPeasy_ ** _logged in_

 _User_ **_shadowstrike_ ** _logged in_

 _User_ **_PUNches_ ** _logged in_

 **nyoompetals:** team rwby is HERE, penny! :D

 **PENNYV2:** I am very excited to have you here!

 **SchneezyPeasy:** out of curiosity, what is here?

 **PENNYV2:** Amity Tower group chat!

 **LuckyCharm:** secure communications channel for the purpose of organizing the amity project.

 **PENNYV2:** Amity Tower group chat!

 **PUNches:** niiiice

 **shadowstrike:** This sounds like it’ll be about as chaotic as the last group chat I was in

 **shadowstrike:** I can’t wait

 **I_Am_Winter:** Weiss.

 **SchneezyPeasy:** uh

 **SchneezyPeasy:** hello Winter

 **I_Am_Winter:** I would like to know the thought process behind your username.

 **SchneezyPeasy:** Ruby

 **PUNches:** ruby

 **Shadowstrike:** Ruby

 **nyoompetals:** thaaaat would be me :D

 **I_Am_Winter:** Fair enough.

 **PENNYV2:** Incoming!

 _User_ **_sword_n_shield_ ** _logged in_

 _User_ **_noraYES_ ** _logged in_

 _User_ **_RenTheNinja_ ** _logged in_

 **noraYES:** GROUPCHAT TIME GROUPCHAT TIME

 **sword_n_shield:** GROUPCHAT TIME GROUPCHAT TIME

 **RenTheNinja:** Yessss.

 **PENNYV2:** Salutations, everyone!

 **LuckyCharm:** that’s not everyone yet

 **nyoompetals:** YEAH WE’RE MISSING UNCLE QROWWWW D:

 **nyoompetals:** _@imthebirdguy @imthebirdguy @imthebirdguy_

 **PUNches:** _@imthebirdguy @imthebirdguy @imthebirdguy_

 **LuckyCharm:** _@imthebirdguy_

 _User_ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _logged in_

 **nyoompetals:** UNCLE QROW!!! :D

 **imthebirdguy:** hi what the fuck

 **LuckyCharm:** that’s everyone! hello, Qrow

 **imthebirdguy:** hi

 **LuckyCharm:** so: now that we have everyone here, get some rest. our first mission regarding the amity project will take place tomorrow morning. further instructions then, I’m tired

 **imthebirdguy:** i was already asleep

 **LuckyCharm:** oh my gods I’m so sorry

 **imthebirdguy:** its fine haha its not like i would be sleeping well anyway

 **imthebirdguy:** wow i killed the chat huh

 **LuckyCharm:** do you need a hug?

 **imthebirdguy:** nah

 **LuckyCharm:** do you want a hug?

 **imthebirdguy:** not answering that

 **nyoompetals:** my dear uncle qrow.

 **nyoompetals:** yang and i are coming to hug you and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to stop us!!

 **imthebirdguy:** ok

 **LuckyCharm:** does anyone need anything else before I sign off for the night

 **goodestboy:** uh yeah ^^;

 **goodestboy:** elm’s scroll is still broken remember :(

 **LuckyCharm:** right. I’ll go find her. 

**goodestboy:** third floor ace ops lounge :)

 **LuckyCharm:** you used your semblance to get away from her didn’t you

 **goodestboy:** maybe :)


	4. Clover's Mid-Mission Shower Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've heard of shower thoughts. You've heard of shower thoughts outside the shower. Now you've heard it all, or you will. Also, lucky plant man is attempting to flirt, I repeat, lucky plant man is attempting to flirt.

**LuckyCharm:** so if you give someone food, you’re feeding them. right?

 **nyoompetals:** if you give someone food youre just a nice person! or their mom

 **RenTheNinja:** Yes. The answer is yes, Ruby.

 **nyoompetals:** that too i guess

 **imthebirdguy:** ???

 **DoverT:** oh my fucking god Clover I thought this died with the last communications channel.

 **nyoompetals:** you thought what died with the last one??? :o

 **DoverT:** Clover’s goddamn shower thoughts. except they always occur mid-mission while the rest of us are trying to focus

 **LuckyCharm:** if you give someone water why isn’t it called watering them

 **imthebirdguy:** what the fuck

 **LuckyCharm:** you’re literally right next to me I heard you chuckle

 **imthebirdguy:** i did no such thing fuck you

 **LuckyCharm:** you’re smiling

 **imthebirdguy:** absolutely not

 **LuckyCharm:** :)

 **imthebirdguy:** >:(

 **goodestboy:** yo clover i really hate to break up your flirting attempts ;)

 **goodestboy:** but we do have a mission to do and i think the geist went your way :)

 **LuckyCharm:** attempts?

 **imthebirdguy:** uh flirting

 **imthebirdguy:** what

 **goodestboy:** i said what I said :)

 **LuckyCharm:** anyway I don’t need to focus, I have luck on my

 **goodestboy:** side

 **goodestboy:** ?

 **goodestboy:** :( welp

 **imthebirdguy:** can i get a new group my partner is a reckless dumbass

 **LuckyCharm:** nope, you’re stuck with me

 **imthebirdguy:** is this because of my semblance

 **imthebirdguy:** you think that its better to keep one person at risk than the rest of your team huh

 **imthebirdguy:** and your fucking username is this some kind of joke

 **LuckyCharm:** what??? I promise you this has absolutely nothing to do with your semblance. I certainly didn’t know what it was

 **imthebirdguy:** then why make us a group of two

 **LuckyCharm:** I’ve had my username since I found out what my semblance was, Qrow. you don’t have to worry about me :)

 **imthebirdguy:** i figured that out

 **imthebirdguy:** you still havent answered my fucking question

 **imthebirdguy:** why pair us up

 **LuckyCharm:** because… it’s kind of complicated actually

 **goodestboy:** it’s really not

 **LuckyCharm:** MARROW I WILL PUT YOU ON CLEANUP DUTY FOR A MONTH SO HELP ME

 **goodestboy:** you wouldn’t :(

 **LuckyCharm:** I would and will

 **imthebirdguy:** whatever its fine i know when im being lied to

 **LuckyCharm:** Qrow

 **LuckyCharm:** Qrow we are literally walking right next to each other. You’re like two feet away from me

 **LuckyCharm:** Qrow stop ignoring me

 **imthebirdguy:** not until i get a fucking answer

 **LuckyCharm:** fine. I think you and I are the most capable of our respective groups, and therefore all the groups are roughly equal in strength.

 **imthebirdguy:** i

 **imthebirdguy:** what even

 **imthebirdguy:** how fucking capable do you think you are

 **LuckyCharm:** no more than you :)

 **nyoompetals:** GUYS WE FOUND THE GEIST GET OVER HERE


	5. Truly the Biggest Mood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clover's asleep and you know what that means. How did Jaune get that picture? The world may never know. But like, he managed to successfully fake his way into Beacon and come up with a viable plan to steal an entire airship that would have worked. So.

**HAMMERTIME:** CLOVERS ASLEEP SEND MEMES

 **Vine:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3p4y6c.jpg>

**nyoompetals:** does clover not like memes???

 **DoverT:** not when they’re about him being a gay pining disaster

 **nyoompetals:** mood

 **PENNYV2:** ???

 **SchneezyPeasy:** Ruby you like memes

 **nyoompetals:** the gay pining disaster part not the not liking memes part!

 **SchneezyPeasy:** wait, you’re gay? and pining?? who for???

 **nyoompetals:** um nobody important

 **PENNYV2:** Ruby! What do you mean by “mood”?

 **nyoompetals:** right, the internet’s down still :(

 **nyoompetals:** it’s something you say when you agree with something

 **PENNYV2:** Oh! Alright!

 **PENNYV2:** So if I were also to be gay and pining, I would say “oh mood”?

 **nyoompetals:** ye!

 **SchneezyPeasy:** oh my gods Ruby that’s adorable haha

 **SchneezyPeasy:** guess I hoped you were pining for someone else tho

 **nyoompetals:** ????????

 **PENNYV2:** Mood.

 **SchneezyPeasy:** never mind, it’s not important.

 **Vine:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3p571z.jpg>

**SchneezyPeasy:** I hate you.

 **Vine:** Understandable.

 **DoverT:** ok but are we SURE Clover’s asleep

 **HAMMERTIME:** marrow said he was

 **goodestboy:** ye, he’s asleep :D

 **HAMMERTIME:** PERFECT

 **HAMMERTIME:** and that other guy

 **PUNches:** are you talking about uncle qrow

 **HAMMERTIME:** yeah him

 **goodestboy:** unfortunately he is also asleep :(

 **Vine:** <https://imgflip.com/i/3p59h8>

**PUNches:** OH MY GODS IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES IT

 **HAMMERTIME:** THANK YOU

 **HAMMERTIME:** what was your name again

 **PUNches:** YANG XIAO LONG, HERE TO KICK ASS AND PICK UP PRETTY GIRLS

 **PUNches:** AND I’M ALL OUT OF ASS (JUST KIDDING MY ASS IS GREAT)

 **HAMMERTIME:** FUCK YEAH

 **HAMMERTIME:** BUT PLEASE ITS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS UGHHHH

 **Vine:** It’s so obvious it’s sad.

 **goodestboy:** either your uncle is the straightest huntsman to ever huntsman or he’s somehow just that thick

 **PUNches:** oh please nobody in my family has ever been straight

 **PUNches:** been a lot of bi shit going on tho

 **PUNches:** but me n my lil sis? GIRLS

 **nyoompetals:** GIRLS

 **PENNYV2:** Mood!

 **Vine:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3p5b65.jpg>

**HAMMERTIME:** HEY WHY AM I NOT IN THERE

 **Vine:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3p5b8h.jpg>

**PENNYV2:** I too would like to be in there! Girls are very pretty!

 **nyoompetals:** you like girls???

 **PENNYV2:** Yes! I happen to like girls very much!

 **Vine:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3p5bjj.jpg>

**SchneezyPeasy:** add me too

 **Vine:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3p5c51.jpg>

**Vine:** There are too many of you.

 **Vine:** You’re simply too powerful.

 **PUNches:** HELL YEAH

 **noraYES:** YOOOOOO WHAT UP 

**PUNches:** HEY NORA WHAT’S UP

 **noraYES:** Ren and Jaune wanted me to send you this pic

 **RenTheNinja:** You begged Jaune to send you the picture before he passed out so you could send it to the chat.

 **noraYES:** CLOSE ENOUGH

 **noraYES:** ANYWAY THIS IS PEAK MEME MATERIAL

 **noraYES:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3p5ekb.jpg>

**goodestboy:** :OOO

 **nyoompetals:** NORAAAAA

 **PENNYV2:** When did you obtain this picture? And how, might I add?

 **noraYES:** ask Jaune when he wakes up

 **RenTheNinja:** He is likely not waking up anytime soon.

 **noraYES:** Ren?

 **RenTheNinja:** Yes, Nora?

 **noraYES:** you’re making it look like we murdered him or something :(

 **RenTheNinja:** Ah. Yes. We didn’t do that.

 **nyoompetals:** thats what they all say

 **nyoompetals:** actually tho is he ok :(

 **noraYES:** nah he ate too much cake, got indigestion, and now he’s looking at his huntsman license and crying

 **Vine:** <https://i.imgflip.com/3p5w48.jpg>


	6. F for Qrow's Beauty Sleep and Weiss "Ice Queen" Schnee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sad part about early morning missions is that, well... they're early in the morning. Rest in peace, Weiss Schnee. You will be missed. Also Ruby may or may not start an Interrogation.

**LuckyCharm:** good morning, everyone!

 **Vine:** <https://imgflip.com/i/3q7057>

**LuckyCharm:** I’m not sure whether I should be concerned about how you got that picture or impressed that you already made it into a meme

 **Vine:** How about impressed?

 **LuckyCharm:** fine

 **LuckyCharm:** actually though, how did you get that picture?

 **LuckyCharm:** you were on the other side of the mine at the time

 **Vine:** A good memer never reveals his secrets.

 **nyoompetals:** you sir, are a LEGEND

 **Vine:** ...thank you?

 **nyoompetals:** TEACH MEEEE

 **Vine:** Again: a good memer never reveals his secrets.

 **nyoompetals:** fair enough :(

 **goodestboy:** I’ve been trying for ages, good luck :(

 **LuckyCharm:** morning, marrow

 **goodestboy:** morning! :>

 **PENNYV2:** Good morning, everybody!

 **nyoompetals:** hi Penny!!!

 **SchneezyPeasy:** you need to sleep???

 **PENNYV2:** Of course not! It is, however, quite awkward to be the first person in the communications channel. Additionally, I doubt anyone would appreciate being woken up via notifications again.

 **LuckyCharm:** thank you very much penny

 **PENNYV2:** You are very welcome, sir!

 **LuckyCharm:** anyway. it’s mission time. I’ll need some of you for the Amity Project, but I’ll wait on mission assignments until everyone is awake. meet in the common room in an hour.

 **nyoompetals:** _@imthebirdguy_ UNCLE QROW WAKE UP

 **imthebirdguy:** hjgkdshfajksdhfaksdjhfj

 **nyoompetals:** MORNING!!! :D

 **imthebirdguy:** morning to you too im going back to bed if nobody needs me

 **LuckyCharm:** everyone, common room, hour. good morning, Qrow

 **imthebirdguy:** uh morning

 **imthebirdguy:** ruby i can get ready in less than an hour

 **nyoompetals:** fine when do you want me to wake you up???

 **imthebirdguy:** uhhhh

 **imthebirdguy:** five minutes

 **nyoompetals:** five minutes left or five minutes from now

 **imthebirdguy:** five minutes left

 **nyoompetals:** ten minutes or im weaponizing clover

 **LuckyCharm:** uh what

 **nyoompetals:** see???

 **imthebirdguy:** five minutes

 **imthebirdguy:** ruby i love you but let me sleep i am literally begging you

 **nyoompetals:** fiiiine

 **nyoompetals:** uncle qrow youre a great person and we love you a lot

 **LuckyCharm:** I think he went back to sleep

 **nyoompetals:** yeah that was to check :)

 **nyoompetals:** weissy is getting the bees and im on my way to reconvene rnjr

 **LuckyCharm:** ...bees? RNJR?

 **nyoompetals:** bees are blake and yang

 **nyoompetals:** blakes color is black yangs color is yellow bumblebees are yellow and black and their team attack is bumblebee so: theyre the bees!!!

 **LuckyCharm:** ah

 **LuckyCharm:** makes sense

 **LuckyCharm:** RNJR?

 **nyoompetals:** temporary team! after beacon fell my teammates were all… gone in one way or another

 **nyoompetals:** so i hit up my other friends and got jaune ren and nora

 **nyoompetals:** we were team rnjr!

 **noraYES:** JNRR!

 **RenTheNinja:** RNJR. JNRR isn’t a color.

 **noraYES:** WELL NEITHER IS RANGER, REN!!!

 **LuckyCharm:** ...technically ranger green is a shade of a color?

 **nyoompetals:** lol i think you broke nora

 **LuckyCharm:** oh dear

 **nyoompetals:** dw about it rens got this and jaunes still waking up

 **nyoompetals:** now while i have you alone

 **nyoompetals:** clover ebi.

 **LuckyCharm:** why do I have a bad feeling about this

 **nyoompetals:** what are your intentions with my uncle qrow.

 **LuckyCharm:** what

 **nyoompetals:** you heard me.

 **PUNches:** _@nyoompetals @SchneezyPeasy_ WHAT THE FUCK YOU TWO

 **nyoompetals:** what???

 **SchneezyPeasy:** she said she wasn’t getting up. I made sure she’d get up

 **shadowstrike:** That is uhhhh

 **shadowstrike:** One way of putting it

 **SchneezyPeasy:** it worked, didn’t it???

 **shadowstrike:** Weiss with all due respect, I think you should run

 **PUNches:** WEISS FUCKING SCHNEE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT BEFORE YOU FUCKED WITH MY HAIR

 **nyoompetals:** oh no

 **nyoompetals:** clover were continuing this later

 **nyoompetals:** i gotta save weiss


	7. Jaune Arc and the Thirsty Moms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaune Arc and the Thirsty Moms? He sounds like Indiana Jones or something. Also, Oscar is forcefully adopted. Sometimes a family is a knight, a thunderbolt, a ninja, and their smol pine tree son, and that's okay.

**sword_n_shield:** I uhhh think I understand why I got forced into crossing guard duty.

 **sword_n_shield:** whoever was forced into this before me I do NOT envy you but also I would really like some tips on how to deal with moms thirstier than the vacuan desert.

 **noraYES:** it’s the hair J

 **sword_n_shield:** yes I know my hair is amazing what about it.

 **noraYES:** oh no it’s shit you look like a banana :(

 **sword_n_shield:** nora no

 **noraYES:** NORA YES!!!

 **RenTheNinja:** Nora yes.

 **sword_n_shield:** OH COME ON NOT YOU TOO!!!

 **RenTheNinja:** Yes, me too.

 **ospine:** ig u need to grow it out

 **ospine:** the baes have spoken

 **sword_n_shield:** you know what? ok

 **sword_n_shield:** but if we’re being public about this then ren, nora, we’re adopting our son officially

 **RenTheNinja:** I have absolutely no issue with this.

 **noraYES:** YESSSSSSSSS

 **ospine:** nice

 **sword_n_shield:** you’re officially our son now oscar

 **ospine:** :D

 **ospine:** in that case you are now

 **ospine:** lightning mom

 **ospine:** ninja dad

 **ospine:** and banana dad

 **sword_n_shield:** HEY

 **noraYES:** pFFFFFF

 **ospine:** get a better haircut and u get a better name

 **sword_n_shield:** >:(

 **ospine:** >:)

 **LuckyCharm:** Qrow and I are back from our mission, anyone else?

 **noraYES:** we are and JAUNE IS!

 **ospine:** ive been adopted

 **ospine:** OFFICIALLY :D

 **LuckyCharm:** nice! who by?

 **ospine:** banana dad n ninja dad n lightning mom!

 **noraYES:** he is our smol pine tree son and we love him very much

 **LuckyCharm:** congratulations!

 **LuckyCharm:** by the way, read up, it was marrow

 **sword_n_shield:** I FUCKING KNEW IT

 **noraYES:** DAMMIT

 **sword_n_shield:** YOU OWE ME TWENTY LIEN NORA

 **RenTheNinja:** Where’s Uncle Qrow?

 **LuckyCharm:** taking a shower

 **sword_n_shield:** ooooooooooo

 **noraYES:** the plot thickens!!!

 **LuckyCharm:** hey, nothing like that!

 **ospine:** hmm

 **LuckyCharm:** I mean it! we were chasing down some sabyrs in the sewers, on our way back, a leaky pipe burst. Qrow pushed me out of the way and got covered in sewage.

 **noraYES:** EW

 **ospine:** you did ask

 **noraYES:** STILL

 **RenTheNinja:** So, no funny business was happening.

 **LuckyCharm:** absolutely not! not that it would be any of your business if it was

 **ospine:** so u havent gotten into uncle qs pants yet

 **LuckyCharm:** if this is a roundabout method of giving me the talk just go ahead with it

 **noraYES:** awesome! tl;dr you hurt him we break your legs

 **RenTheNinja:** We can and will.

 **sword_n_shield:** we have a ninja

 **noraYES:** we DO have a ninja!

 **LuckyCharm:** believe me the last thing I want to do is hurt him

 **LuckyCharm:** and he is very pretty! and he’s a great fighter and he’s a lot nicer than he pretends to be, and honestly at this point I’ll be happy if I get him to take a compliment

 **ospine:** tbh if u can well all be impressed

 **RenTheNinja:** Might not stop the leg-breaking, however.

 **LuckyCharm:** noted. but if I hurt him I think he’ll be able to beat you to that


	8. BOOM!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Huh. What was that loud noise? Nobody seems to know... and somebody is conspicuously absent from the scene of the crime. All the good luck in the world can't outweigh stupidity.

**imthebirdguy:** HEY WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

 **nyoompetals:** I DUNNO

 **nyoompetals:** IT WAS LOUD

 **PENNYV2:** I promise it was not me.

 **SchneezyPeasy:** are you sure about that

 **PENNYV2:** I am quite sure! Jaune has been attempting to explain what the act of “vibing” is to myself and Oscar for the past half hour.

 **sword_n_shield:** it’s literally just vibing Penny!

 **sword_n_shield:** you just vibe!

 **PENNYV2:** I genuinely do not understand, Jaune. I’m very sorry.

 **ospine:** it ok idk either

 **sword_n_shield:** wait we have a memelord here don’t we, _@Vine_!

 **Vine:** Yes?

 **Vine:** Ah.

 **Vine:** The act of vibing is similar to the act of meditating. You simply sit there, and let the clock tick and the world pass you by for a time.

 **ospine:** idk still sry

 **PENNYV2:** I’ve got it!

 **PENNYV2:** It’s like sleeping!

 **sword_n_shield:** ...kinda.

 **Vine:** While I am here, does anyone know what that noise was?

 **imthebirdguy:** THANK YOU

 **shadowstrike:** Idk either, sorry

 **PUNches:** blake n i are going to the cafeteria before it closes anyone want anything

 **HAMMERTIME:** A BAGEL

 **Vine:** The souls of the innocent.

 **HAMMERTIME:** TWO BAGELS

 **PENNYV2:** They have those in the cafeteria?

 **Vine:** The souls of the innocent?

 **PENNYV2:** No, bagels.

 **PENNYV2:** Ruby was trying to get some for Weiss earlier but they didn’t have any and they were sad.

 **SchneezyPeasy:** but you… brought us bagels

 **PENNYV2:** I flew down to Mantle to get some!

 **SchneezyPeasy:** that was why you were messaging me about what Ruby liked earlier???

 **PENNYV2:** Yep! I knew what you liked from Ruby.

 **imthebirdguy:** _@PUNches_ hope im not too late but can you grab me some hot cocoa

 **PUNches:** holy shit

 **shadowstrike:** We can try but, well

 **PUNches:** we figured out what the noise was

 **imthebirdguy:** oh good it woke me up

 **imthebirdguy:** i was having a fuckin great nap

 **nyoompetals:** what was it

 **PUNches:** theres metal bits EVERYWHERE its fucking awesome

 **PUNches:** blake is currently trying to navigate the floor to get you your hot choc uncle qrow

 **imthebirdguy:** tell her to be careful

 **PUNches:** tell her yourself

 **imthebirdguy:** _@shadowstrike_ be careful

 **nyoompetals:** YANG WHAT HAPPENED

 **nyoompetals:** WHY ARE THERE METAL BITS EVERYWHERE

 **nyoompetals:** IS PENNY OKAY

 **PENNYV2:** I’m fine, but your concern is appreciated!

 **SchneezyPeasy:** she means she’d like to see you in person

 **PENNYV2:** Oh! In that case I will be right over!

 **nyoompetals:** thanks weissy thanks penny

 **PENNYV2:** It is no problem at all!

 **SchneezyPeasy:** like she said :)

 **Vine:** The rest of us would still like to know what happened.

 **PUNches:** idk honestly

 **PUNches:** blakes got the chocolate and the bagels

 **PUNches:** wait she has an idea

 **PUNches:** she pulled out her scroll

 **shadowstrike:** I think someone blew up the microwave

 **I_Am_Winter:** Again?

 **shadowstrike:** ……..again

 **I_Am_Winter:** Yes, again. Some idiot keeps putting metal cutlery in the microwave. This is the third one this month.

 **imthebirdguy:** damn that sounds like something that would happen with me around

 **I_Am_Winter:** No. This is stupidity, not bad luck.

 _ <Private message from _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _to_ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _ > _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _so about that_

 **_LuckyCharm:_ ** _remember how I said I would come wake you up for a spar after I got food_

 _ <Private message from _ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _to_ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ > _

**_imthebirdguy:_ ** _no_

 **_imthebirdguy:_ ** _no fucking way_

 **_imthebirdguy:_ ** _theres no way youre this much of a fucking himbo_

 _ <Private message from _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _to_ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _ > _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _I resent that remark_

 **_LuckyCharm:_ ** _anyway I’ve modified the mission checklist so it looks like I’ll still be out on a mission for another three hours_

 **_LuckyCharm:_ ** _can I hide in your room until then_

 **_LuckyCharm:_ ** _Qrow, please_

 _ <Private message from _ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _to_ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ > _

**_imthebirdguy:_ ** _fine_

 **_imthebirdguy:_ ** _on one condition_

 _ <Private message from _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _to_ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _ > _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _anything_

 _ <Private message from _ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _to_ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ > _

**_imthebirdguy:_ ** _im gonna ignore the implications of that and just say_

 **_imthebirdguy:_ ** _fools day is coming up_

 **_imthebirdguy:_ ** _and while i can do a lot on my own i could use some luck on my side_

 _ <Private message from _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _to_ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _ > _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _you want me to help you prank people?_

 _ <Private message from _ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _to_ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ > _

**_imthebirdguy:_ ** _indeed i do_

 _ <Private message from _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _to_ **_imthebirdguy_ ** _ > _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _count me in_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by Kyra nearly blowing up her microwave again. She's basically Clover. Or Clover is basically her. One of the two, or possibly both. (Kyra, _PLEASE_ stop putting metal in microwaves, you don't have a Qrow to hide out with.)


	9. Getting By with a Little Help from Girlfriends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~~April~~ Fools Day has begun, and with it begins the prank war to end all prank wars. Starting at midnight, apparently, with notifications at ungodly hours and polyamory negotiations.

**nyoompetals:** GOOD FUCKING MORNING EVERYONE :D

**imthebirdguy:** excuse me what the fuck its midnight ruby

**imthebirdguy:** MIDNIGHT

**nyoompetals:** WHICH MEANS ITS OFFICIALLY FOOLS DAY

**nyoompetals:** _@everyone_

**DoverT:** hey WHAT THE FUCK????

**LuckyCharm:** how can you even @ everyone??? you’re not a moderator

**PENNYV2:** UwU

**nyoompetals:** getting by with a lil help from my girlfriends

**SchneezyPeasy:** wait WHAT???

**nyoompetals:** my friends that are girls that i maybe happen to find very attractive ok

**PENNYV2:** Are you talking about Weiss and myself?

**nyoompetals:** nooooooooooo

**imthebirdguy:** yessssssssss

**nyoompetals:** UNCLE QROW YOU TRAITOR

**imthebirdguy:** MIDNIGHT ruby

**nyoompetals:** fine yes its you two youre very nice and pretty and maybe sometimes i want to hold hands and cuddle is that so wrong

**nyoompetals:** i didnt mean to imply anything im sorry D:

**SchneezyPeasy:** Ruby. I’ve been dropping hints for AGES

**nyoompetals:** ikkkkk :(

**nyoompetals:** i didnt want to have to choose :(

**PENNYV2:** Why would you need to? You have two hands. We can both hold your hands, as well as each other’s hands!

**nyoompetals:** thanks penny but thats not what i meant :(

**imthebirdguy:** no she has a point

**imthebirdguy:** i guess this was long before your time but listen pipsqueak

**imthebirdguy:** people can have multiple romantic partners

**imthebirdguy:** summer and tai and raven were all dating each other for a while back in beacon days and before raven… well left

**nyoompetals:** thats a thing???

**PUNches:** yes thats a thing rubes!! you didnt know????

**nyoompetals:** no????????

**imthebirdguy:** ill keep this short bc i want to go back to sleep you little shit

**imthebirdguy:** you can date multiple people at the same time if and only if EVERYONE INVOLVED is ok with it

**imthebirdguy:** otherwise thats not cool

**nyoompetals:** ok i think i got it

**nyoompetals:** are you both ok with maybe just idk hanging out and cuddling a little

**SchneezyPeasy:** absolutely.

**PENNYV2:** Yes! I think you both are very pretty too!

**LuckyCharm:** ohhhhh you used Pietro’s mod credentials

**PENNYV2:** Maybe……

**LuckyCharm:** i’m going back to sleep

**imthebirdguy:** yeah me too

**imthebirdguy:** but hey congrats you three

**PUNches:** woo!!!

**PUNches:** but also did you not realize that our friends are all dating each other too

**nyoompetals:** wHAT

**PUNches:** yeah im dating blake shes very the best and luckily very asleep still

**shadowstrike:** “Very the best?”

**PUNches:** orrrr not, hi <3

**shadowstrike:** <3

**PUNches:** ok shes back to sleep for real now

**PUNches:** jnrs dating too and theyve adopted oscar

**ospine:** can confirm

**ospine:** theyre all too lazy to actually get up and jaunes sleepin like a rock but ren n nora wanted me to pass on a message

**ospine:** “fuck you, whoever is textin us at midnight”

**ospine:** it was mostly nora but ren didnt disagree

**nyoompetals:** :) score one for team rwp

**nyoompetals:** rpw?

**nyoompetals:** well figure out a team name for fools day but we are aHEAD suck it uncle q <3

**PENNYV2:** RWP could work, pronounced “rap” which is a kind of music. FNKI is also a variety of music, so…

**SchneezyPeasy:** team RWP it is :D

**nyoompetals:** omg you used an emoji weissy

**SchneezyPeasy:** did I? whoops ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RWP: 1  
> QC: 0  
> BY: 0  
> ORNJ: 0  
> HAZE: 0
> 
> So this got a bit longer than I planned on it being, which just means you're going to get a _lot_ of prank war chapters. In between me messing with people for the real Fools Day, of course... ;)


	10. And It Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Qrow and Clover make their move. ~~April~~ Fools Day begins in earnest. Alliances are formed, teams are broken, and nobody is getting out of today unscathed... probably.

**nyoompetals:** WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THAT MUCH PLASTIC WRAP???

**PENNYV2:** A store in Mantle that had this particular brand on sale last night is now completely out of stock, so most likely there.

**SchneezyPeasy:** HOW DID YOU

**imthebirdguy:** :)

**SchneezyPeasy:** of course it was you.

**LuckyCharm:** wait, that’s where you got it??? when did you have time to do that???

**imthebirdguy:** last night

**LuckyCharm:** the last civilian airship down to Mantle ran before we got back from our mission though……..?

**imthebirdguy:** bold of you to assume i took an airship

**LuckyCharm:** then how did you???? get down there?????

**imthebirdguy:** dw about it ;)

**nyoompetals:** i mean getting down would be the easy part

**LuckyCharm:** true that

**SchneezyPeasy:** wait where are our weapons?????

**LuckyCharm:** couldn’t have you breaking out too easily now could we?

**imthebirdguy:** score 2 for team qc

**LuckyCharm:** QC?

**imthebirdguy:** cookie

**nyoompetals:** score TWO???

**PENNYV2:** Well of course, they technically did two pranks! They plastic-wrapped the door with no small amount of plastic wrap, and stole our weapons. Although it is worth noting that I can just blast through this. I  _ am _ the weapon.

**nyoompetals:** HELL YEAH YOU ARE

**imthebirdguy:** lets just say you arent the only one whose doors we plastic wrapped and leave it at that

**nyoompetals:** hey yeah where are the bees

**shadowstrike:** Next room over, we wanted some privacy

**PUNches:** they wrapped our door too

**PUNches:** fortunately my arm is a gun

**ospine:** whys everyone blowin things up this early

**shadowstrike:** Check the door

**ospine:** ah

**ospine:** _@sword_n_shield @noraYES @RenTheNinja_

**RenTheNinja:** I wondered what you were doing out there, Uncle Qrow.

**LuckyCharm:** why am i not surprised he knew we were there

**imthebirdguy:** you shouldnt be

**sword_n_shield:** ren can you break through?

**RenTheNinja:** If I cannot, we have a wall outlet, Nora, and the cutlery we forgot to take back to the cafeteria last night. Including a fork.

**noraYES:** can we just do that anyway???

**RenTheNinja:** No need anymore.

**noraYES:** aww

**RenTheNinja:** Don’t worry. We’ll have plenty of opportunity to do that and other things before this day is done.

**ospine:** i have plans :D

**RenTheNinja:** You do have plans.

**sword_n_shield:** holy shit how much did you plan for this???

**ospine:** a LOT

**RenTheNinja:** I nominate our son Oscar to be the temporary leader of our prank war team, seeing as he thought all this out.

**noraYES:** seconded!!!

**sword_n_shield:** thirded

**sword_n_shield:** they grow up so fast…

**ospine:** omg okkkk

**ospine:** uhhhh ig were team ornj then

**RenTheNinja:** Orange?

**ospine:** orange

**noraYES:** you all should be very VERY afraid :D

**imthebirdguy:** not of someone with no points

**PUNches:** hey

**PUNches:** did you plastic wrap anyone elses doors or just us

**imthebirdguy:** i personally just did you kids

**LuckyCharm:** :)

**DoverT:** CLOVER FUCKING EBI

**LuckyCharm:** hi hare

**DoverT:** TRAITOR

**Vine:** [https://i.imgflip.com/3usiwy.jpg](https://i.imgflip.com/3usiwy.jpg)

**HAMMERTIME:** well get you back

**goodestboy:** yeah!!! :(

**DoverT:** as the new leader of the ace ops due to Clover’s betrayal, and since the rest of you seem to be making up team names… we’ll be Team HAZE from now on

**goodestboy:** omg that name actually works

**LuckyCharm:** I wish you the best of luck in pranking everyone but Team QC

**shadowstrike:** Yang and I are Team BY because we’re already the bees

**PUNches:** birds n the bees ;)

**shadowstrike:** Yang, no

**PUNches:** YANG YES

_ <Private message from  _ **_I_Am_Winter_ ** _ to  _ **_J.Ironwould_ ** _ > _

**_I_Am_Winter:_ ** _ Permission to join you in your office under lockdown for the rest of today, sir? _

_ <Private message from  _ **_J.Ironwould_ ** _ to  _ **_I_Am_Winter_ ** _ > _

**_J.Ironwould:_ ** _ Hurry. And bring food, we may be here for a while. _

_ <Private message from  _ **_I_Am_Winter_ ** _ to  _ **_J.Ironwould_ ** _ > _

**_I_Am_Winter:_ ** _ Will do.  _

**_I_Am_Winter:_ ** _ I suppose no one will be getting much done today… _

_ <Private message from  _ **_J.Ironwould_ ** _ to  _ **_I_Am_Winter_ ** _ > _

**_J.Ironwould:_ ** _ I’ll be catching up on my paperwork. But it should be entertaining to see what the others get up to today. Especially without being in the line of fire myself. _

**_J.Ironwould:_ ** _ See you soon. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RWP: 1  
> QC: 2  
> BY: 0  
> ORNJ: 0  
> HAZE: 0
> 
> Chances are nobody's going to stay at zero points for much longer... or, well, they wouldn't. This is kind of embarrassing. I... try to finish the fics I start, as a rule, but this one was started on impulse, and I genuinely have no idea where to go from here. So, uh... yeah. I'm really sorry, I know this fic meant a lot to a lot of you, and I'll come back to it as soon as I can, but for now... I just don't know. 
> 
> Also, happy April Fools Day! I'm not discontinuing this anytime soon, probably not until I upload the final chapter, and then I do have plans for a sort-of-sequel in the works. So! Rest easy, y'all, I'll be back. ~~Did I get some of you?~~


	11. Atlas Academy: Probably Not Flammable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fools Day continues in earnest. Oh, to be a fly on the wall for some of these...

**LuckyCharm:** well good news I guess: we know the fire alarms still work

**imthebirdguy:** youre not remotely worried that there might be an actual fire

**LuckyCharm:** have you SEEN Atlas Academy?

**LuckyCharm:** not exactly the most flammable of places

**shadowstrike:** It’s really loud :(

**PUNches:** dw i gotchu

**PUNches:** does it count if i steal rubys noise canceling headphones

**nyoompetals:** NO IT DOES NOT

**PUNches:** too late

**imthebirdguy:** id say it counts

**imthebirdguy:** bit of a dick move with the fire alarm going off tho

**PUNches:** blake needs them more than ruby

**shadowstrike:** Not saying she’s right. But also not saying I’m not currently holding a pillow over my ears :(

**PUNches:** IM COMING BABE

**shadowstrike:** I love you. So much

**PUNches:** and score 1 for the bees!!!

**imthebirdguy:** ok but who set off the fire alarm

**imthebirdguy:** cloves i dont think it would be your team

**noraYES:** well it’s not us!!!

**LuckyCharm:** wh

**LuckyCharm:** HARRIET?????

**DoverT:** eh, it was a team effort. 

**Vine:** You thought it was someone else… but it was us! Team HAZE!

**LuckyCharm:** wow you’re all getting really into this huh

**HAMMERTIME:** HELL YEAH

**HAMMERTIME:** HARES A SURPRISINGLY GOOD LEADER

**DoverT:** hey what’s that??? Supposed to mean???

**goodestboy:** you’re doing alright hare :D

**DoverT:** thanks??????

**DoverT:** but we aren’t done yet.

**HAMMERTIME:** YEAHHHH!!!

**Vine:** [https://i.imgflip.com/3v3lnw.jpg](https://i.imgflip.com/3v3lnw.jpg)

**Vine:** Not in a literal sense, but the point still stands.

**LuckyCharm:** I should probably be concerned

**LuckyCharm:** but I’m glad you’re all getting along with each other finally

**LuckyCharm:** unrelated but has anyone seen Qrow?

**imthebirdguy:** dw about it im just picking up more supplies

**LuckyCharm:** ok???

**LuckyCharm:** what the fuck was that

**imthebirdguy:** not me

**SchneezyPeasy:** HEY WHO RIGGED THE MICROWAVE TO BLOW UP???

**I_Am_Winter:** Probably the same fool who’s responsible for the last three microwave incidents.

**LuckyCharm:** iiiii doubt that

**SchneezyPeasy:** wait, Winter, where are you anyway?

**I_Am_Winter:** Classified.

**ospine:** SCORE ONE FOR TEAM ORNJ AND NINJA DADS NINJA SKILLS

**SchneezyPeasy:** how did you even???

**RenTheNinja:** :)

**SchneezyPeasy:** THAT’S NOT AN ANSWER REN!!

**SchneezyPeasy:** NEITHER IS WALKING AWAY BACKWARDS WITH A GRIN ON YOUR FACE

**RenTheNinja:** fdsghjgk

**nyoompetals:** ?????

**SchneezyPeasy:** aaaaaand he slipped

**Vine:** Score 2 for Team HAZE.

**HAMMERTIME:** ITLL BE THREE IF WEISS ISNT CAREFUL >:D

**SchneezyPeasy:** bold of you to assume I don’t have glyphs

**HAMMERTIME:** BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME THOSELL HELP

**SchneezyPeasy:** guess I’ll just stay here then

**PENNYV2:** Do not fear, Weiss! I shall carry you out, since Ruby is currently preoccupied trying to steal back her headphones.

**shadowstrike:** I NEED THEM

**nyoompetals:** FINE ILL BREAK THE FIRE ALARM

**LuckyCharm:** PLEASE DO NOT BREAK THE FIRE ALARM

**SchneezyPeasy:** _@I_Am_Winter_ I’m starting to see your point

**I_Am_Winter:** Which is why I retreated before the carnage began. Although it is fairly amusing to watch.

**imthebirdguy:** better be careful ice queen or youll be next

**I_Am_Winter:** You have to find me first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RWP: 1  
> QC: 2  
> BY: 1  
> ORNJ: 1  
> HAZE: 2
> 
> Yes, those headphones are the ones Ruby had in the very first episode. Time really flies, huh?


	12. Evening the Playing Field

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Fools Day draws to a close, some questions are asked that are not answered. Some questions not asked are answered. And a (metaphorical) dark horse comes from behind to win Fools Day. (If it can be won?)

**nyoompetals:** so out of curiosity is anyone actually keeping score

**I_Am_Winter:** Yes.

**SchneezyPeasy:** Winter??? you’re keeping score???

**I_Am_Winter:** I never said that.

**I_Am_Winter:** However, the General would like to remind you all to keep your childish shenanigans contained to those participating.

**imthebirdguy:** youre telling me jimmy called these childish shenanigans

**I_Am_Winter:** I may have editorialized slightly.

**imthebirdguy:** slightly

**LuckyCharm:** slightly

**SchneezyPeasy:** slightly

**I_Am_Winter:** If he is going to continue to lurk in this chat without making a single post of his own, I reserve the right to editorialize the messages he wishes me to pass on.

**nyoompetals:** soooo the scores

**I_Am_Winter:** Very well.

**I_Am_Winter:** The group consisting of you, my sister, and Penny currently has 9 points.

**I_Am_Winter:** _@imthebirdguy_ and _@LuckyCharm_ have 13 points.

**imthebirdguy:** pfffff

**LuckyCharm:** that’s kind of hilarious

**PENNYV2:** We are coming for you, Team QC!

**imthebirdguy:** bring it rockets

**I_Am_Winter:** _@ospine_ , _@RenTheNinja_ , _@noraYES_ , and _@sword_n_shield_ have 12 points.

**ospine:** yessssssss we r comin for yall

**RenTheNinja:** Be prepared.

**noraYES:** or dont be!!!

**RenTheNinja:** Or do not be prepared.

**RenTheNinja:** That will make our lives much easier.

**sword_n_shield:** and yours much, much harder :D

**I_Am_Winter:** _@shadowstrike_ and _@PUNches_ , you have 6 points.

**PUNches:** ill take it!!

**shadowstrike:** We’ll get more. Very, very soon

**PUNches:** was that supposed to sound really really ominous

**shadowstrike:** I need to exact revenge for the fire alarm

**I_Am_Winter:** Understandable, that was very, very loud and very, very unnecessary.

**Vine:** [https://i.imgflip.com/3ve4e2.jpg](https://i.imgflip.com/3ve4e2.jpg)

**I_Am_Winter:** It was Elm’s idea?

**HAMMERTIME:** HOW DID YOU KNOW

**I_Am_Winter:** The two of you are slightly predictable.

**DoverT:** she’s sure not wrong

**goodestboy:** I HATE YOU BOTH D:

**I_Am_Winter:** Excuse me?

**DoverT:** not you. Where are they doing each other

**Vine:** We weren’t doing anything yet.

**I_Am_Winter:** I’m not going to ask, and I’m going to respectfully request that you keep it in areas that I do not have camera access to.

**HAMMERTIME:** OKAY FAIR

**Vine:** How many points do we have?

**I_Am_Winter:** Surprisingly, 15.

**I_Am_Winter:** _@LuckyCharm_ Why are you walking towards the General’s office with a bird on your shoulder?

**LuckyCharm:** haha bird what bird

**I_Am_Winter:** …and where is your partner.

**LuckyCharm:** the bird!!!

**LuckyCharm:** is his. he has a pet bird. 

**nyoompetals:** ohhhh uncle qrow finally showed you crow huh ;)

**nyoompetals:** you two must be getting serious

**LuckyCharm:** uhhhhh

**I_Am_Winter:** You’re telling me that Qrow Branwen. Has a pet bird. Named Crow.

**SchneezyPeasy:** with a c

**nyoompetals:** only about as confusing as rwby vs ruby

**I_Am_Winter:** I… see. And here I was thinking this was some kind of innuendo.

**LuckyCharm:** oshit

**I_Am_Winter:** Did the bird just…

**LuckyCharm:** yeah

**LuckyCharm:** in his defense, he’s extremely smart and has the same sense of humor as a certain very attractive huntsman

**I_Am_Winter:** Did that poor bird just fall off your shoulder again?

**PENNYV2:** For those of you without camera access who are wondering what is going on now, it appears that Clover is having a very hushed, one-way conversation with a small black bird too softly for cameras to pick up.

**I_Am_Winter:** Tragic.

**I_Am_Winter:** I really would like to know what is up with that bird.

**I_Am_Winter:** However, I have another message to pass on from the General. Due to the mission many of you are scheduled for tomorrow morning, any Fools Day activities partaken in after 1800 hours will be met with immediate sanctions.

**PENNYV2:** Winter?

**I_Am_Winter:** Yes, Penny?

**PENNYV2:** That gives my girlfriends five minutes to take the lead.

**I_Am_Winter:** That gives your girlfriends five minutes to return to their dormitory, as any activity within the halls will be assumed to be related to Fools Day.

**SchneezyPeasy:** Winter :(

**I_Am_Winter:** This is a direct order from him. No paraphrasing this time.

**ospine:** uh yall

**nyoompetals:** yee

**ospine:** there arent any beds

**noraYES:** WHAT

**I_Am_Winter:** :)

**shadowstrike:** Fuck, he’s right, there actually aren’t any beds

**shadowstrike:** Where did you even put them???

**I_Am_Winter:** You can find blankets in the nearest supply closet. The beds will not be returning until Fools Day is over.

**I_Am_Winter:** And I do believe that means I win, regardless of actual point counts.

**imthebirdguy:** you winter schnee are an evil mastermind

**I_Am_Winter:** Thank you. I get it from my father. Although it was a team effort. Someone had to distract you, after all.

**SchneezyPeasy:** what???

**I_Am_Winter:** And I am NOT referring to Jacques Gelé.

**I_Am_Winter:** Team JW for the win.

**imthebirdguy:** really

**imthebirdguy:** jaw

**I_Am_Winter:** I will admit that sounded better in my head. Anyway. While hallway activity will not, in fact, be prohibited, I would like to remind you all that approximately three-quarters of you have an early mission tomorrow, and should therefore get to sleep.

**I_Am_Winter:** As well as you can sleep, in any case.

**I_Am_Winter:** Also, where did you come from? One moment Clover had your bird, and the next the camera glitched out and you came sauntering in.

**imthebirdguy:** gotta keep some secrets ice queen

**I_Am_Winter:** And this is why I ensured there were no blankets near your quarters.

**I_Am_Winter:** Although I doubt you’ll be sleeping there in any case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Winter was distracting the chat so Ironwood could remove the beds. It was a team effort. And yes, Winter actually did that. We stan a queen. (For now. The future of this fic... well, it'll follow canon fairly closely. So there's that.)


	13. Rest and Relaxation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a great night for some rest and relaxation! It's the first night off most of these kids have had in a long time. What could possibly go wrong? Besides Jaune having to hide in the bathroom to evade the Thirsty Moms, that is.

**PENNYV2:** Hello! Who is everyone doing on this fine night?

**sword_n_shield:** you mean how is everyone doing, right?

**PENNYV2:** I said what I said. :)

**PENNYV2:** Although seeing as my girlfriends and I are all happily somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, I’ll accept answers relating to how everyone is doing instead.

**nyoompetals:** you know how ren and nora are being :/

**sword_n_shield:** ???????

**nyoompetals:** i thought you three had worked out your shit

**sword_n_shield:** ehhhhhhhh…. maybe not quite? how are they

**PENNYV2:** I honestly cannot tell what or who they are arguing about.

**nyoompetals:** im with you there penns :<

**sword_n_shield:** damn so much for a nice relaxing night off for anyone then

**nyoompetals:** movies that bad huh

**sword_n_shield:** weiss and oscar seemed to like it!

**nyoompetals:** seemed to like it???

**sword_n_shield:** remember those thirsty moms I was complaining about not that long ago

**nyoompetals:** yeee

**nyoompetals:** what about em

**sword_n_shield:** a couple of them are here I’ve been hiding in the bathroom for ten minutes

**sword_n_shield:** oscar is dming me live updates from the movie tho so I won’t be too lost when I get back in

**sword_n_shield:** not that I haven’t seen it before tho but the thought is appreciated, I already know exactly what happened to harry ahaha

**PENNYV2:** Oh! Are you seeing  _ Detective Pikachu? _

**sword_n_shield:** yeah!!! oscar never saw it so I did my fatherly duty and brought him to this movie rerun. turned out your girlfriend hadn’t either. for shame ruby. for shame.

**PENNYV2:** She’s my girlfriend too!

**sword_n_shield:** hell yeah! but you have an excuse

**PENNYV2:** I do?

**sword_n_shield:** you’re not exactly up on the memes y’know

**PENNYV2:** I’m working on it!

**goodestboy:** you should be working on guard duty >:(

**PENNYV2:** I can do both!

**PENNYV2:** L M A O he just got called out by May and Joanna for being on his scroll while on guard duty.

**nyoompetals:** did you just

**PENNYV2:** Yes! I had to individually input each of the letters, otherwise my built-in autocorrect doesn’t like acronyms very much. :( It’s the same with emoticons.

**nyoompetals:** penny ily

**PENNYV2:** I love you too, Ruby!

**sword_n_shield:** so ig uncle qrow and the bees are having fun huh

**nyoompetals:** the bees said they were going out dancing but idk where qrow is

**PENNYV2:** See my previous statement.

**sword_n_shield:** ……..which one

**PENNYV2:** “Hello! Who is everybody doing on this fine night?”

**nyoompetals:** clover

**sword_n_shield:** clover

**I_Am_Winter:** Sadly, they do not seem to have made it to that level just yet. They are in Qrow’s room.

**nyoompetals:** owo

**I_Am_Winter:** Playing some kind of childish video game, they invited me to join. I obviously declined.

**PENNYV2:** A perusal of the recent camera footage in that hallway begs to differ, Winter my friend!

**I_Am_Winter:** Fine.

**I_Am_Winter:** I’m still better at Beat Saber than either of them, semblances or not.

**nyoompetals:** so theyre just playing games

**I_Am_Winter:** Your uncle’s complete inability to pick up on flirting frustrates me just as much as it does you, Ruby.

**I_Am_Winter:** Perhaps more, as you have more experience dealing with his immaturity in general.

**nyoompetals:** ooooo robyns giving a speech in a couple secs hang on

**nyoompetals:** hey vomit boy you want me to stream it

**sword_n_shield:** I really am never getting away from that nickname am I

**nyoompetals:** nope!

**I_Am_Winter:** Stream it.

**nyoompetals:** okok give me a sec

**I_Am_Winter:** Also, although I’m slightly reluctant to ask this… what are the polls currently at?

**PENNYV2:** Robyn is still in the lead with 55% of the vote!

**I_Am_Winter:** That means Jacques has 45% of the vote, and that’s a higher percentage than it was ten minutes ago.

**PENNYV2:** The polls are closing in five minutes!

**I_Am_Winter:** A lot can change in five minutes, Penny.

_ User  _ **_nyoompetals_ ** _ started a stream. Viewers: 3. _

**nyoompetals:** i for one am super excited for our new lesbian councilwoman

**I_Am_Winter:** You know for certain that she’s lesbian?

**nyoompetals:** im as certain as i am that im lesbb

**nyoompetals:** lesbiab

**I_Am_Winter:** Take your time.

**nyoompetals:** girls!!! :D

**PENNYV2:** Girls!!!

**I_Am_Winter:** Girls are very nice.

**sword_n_shield:** anyway idk about y’all but I’d rather have Robyn than Jackass

**nyoompetals:** yall

**sword_n_shield:** I’ve been spending too much time around my farm son shut up

**nyoompetals:** but ye same!!

**PENNYV2:** Regardless of who wins, Amity is going to become significantly more difficult. So I wholeheartedly agree! Robyn is much better for the people.

**nyoompetals:** what about you winter

**I_Am_Winter:** I would choose Salem over Jacques.

**I_Am_Winter:** As far as Robyn goes, however, we could certainly do a lot worse.

**nyoompetals:** ithink thats as close to an endorsement as were getting from her :D

**PENNYV2:** I will happily pass on your congratulations to her after the polls close, Winter!

**I_Am_Winter:** Please do not.

**PENNYV2:** Why not?

**I_Am_Winter:** It’s not important. Just don’t.

**PENNYV2:** Why is it not important?

**I_Am_Winter:** It just isn’t.

**nyoompetals:** you all are watching my stream right are you seeing what im seeing

**PENNYV2:** No?

**I_Am_Winter:** I see a crowd of people celebrating.

**nyoompetals:** nonono i

**sword_n_shield:** oh fuck i think i see him too

**nyoompetals:** _@everyone_ TYRIAN IS AT ROBYNS VICTORY PARTY

**PENNYV2:** Tyrian… Callows?

**PENNYV2:** I see him. The lights have gone off but that will not stop me.

**I_Am_Winter:** Penny?

**PENNYV2:** I DON’T SEE HIM ANYMORE WHERE IS HE

_ User  _ **_nyoompetals_ ** _ ’s stream has ended. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops ;) I figured it was probably time I got back onto plot.


	14. The Thing About Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are happening. I repeat, things are happening, and to be honest this is about where canon goes wildly off the rails. All I can say is: trust me. Also I definitely haven't had most of this chapter written for a while and only recently got around to finishing it no sirree.

**I_Am_Winter:** Good news: Ruby’s livestream to this communications channel clearly showed that Penny was on the stage and not among the crowd as a certain doctored video claimed, and therefore can be used to help prove her innocence.

**I_Am_Winter:** Furthermore, while it can be assumed that framing Penny was our enemy’s goal, a secondary goal was undoubtedly to kill Robyn Hill, and frame Penny for her death as well. In that, they have failed, as Robyn is still alive.

**I_Am_Winter:** The bad news is quite literally everything else.

**nyoompetals:** pennys sad :(

**SchneezyPeasy:** we’re all sad

**nyoompetals:** weissys sad

**SchneezyPeasy:** so are you, Ruby

**nyoompetals:** yep :(

**I_Am_Winter:** While that too is very bad news, sadness is fixable. This will take more than positive emotions.

**LuckyCharm:** I’m not happy about having to arrest Robyn either, but do you have a better idea?

**I_Am_Winter:** Bold of you to assume I’m unhappy about having to arrest Robyn.

**LuckyCharm:** well…

**I_Am_Winter:** Don’t bring up my nonexistent love life, and I won’t try anything with yours.

**LuckyCharm:** ok you got me there

**ospine:** we could always try tellin her about amity

**ospine:** or yall could

**HAMMERTIME:** PFF GOOD ONE PIPSQUEAK

**Vine:** Elm, I believe he’s being serious.

**HAMMERTIME:** oh

**ospine:** yeeee just a bit

**DoverT:** the issue is that trust is earned, kid. Not demanded. All Robyn’s been doing is demanding it

**imthebirdguy:** in her defense we have been doing a lot without a visible reason

**LuckyCharm:** of course there’s a reason???

**imthebirdguy:** you know that i know that everyone here knows that

**imthebirdguy:** but speaking as someone who used to have more issues with the military than you can imagine

**I_Am_Winter:** Used to?

**imthebirdguy:** fuck off ice queen

**imthebirdguy:** trust is a two way street and we havent exactly been doing much to earn robyns

**shadowstrike:** Our truck’s just been hit

**shadowstrike:** Or more accurately, our truck just stopped unscheduled and Yang and I would bet money that it’s Robyn

**PUNches:** YEP

**LuckyCharm:** assuming that it’s her entire group there… chase Robyn, I’ve got backup coming your way

**imthebirdguy:** clover you and i are the closest

**LuckyCharm:** yep, we’re the backup, although I think you’ll get there a bit faster than me ;)

**imthebirdguy:** on it ;)

**LuckyCharm:** everyone else, move on Blake and Yang’s position. this is the best chance we have

_ <Private message from  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ to  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ > _

**_robynhood:_ ** _ hey Clover! how’s the old bootlicking treating ya _

_ <Private message from  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ to  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ > _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _ robyn. _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _ you don’t understand what we’re doing here. _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _ we have a warrant out for your team’s arrest. I might be able to get the General to revoke it if you stop now _

_ <Private message from  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ to  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ > _

**_robynhood:_ ** _ oh Clover. here I think you dropped something _

**_robynhood:_** [_https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/001/512/039/ed9.jpg_](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/001/512/039/ed9.jpg)

_ <Private message from  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ to  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ > _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _ very funny. very mature while you’re at it _

_ <Private message from  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ to  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ > _

**_robynhood:_ ** _ if what Ironwood’s doing is so important, then why can’t he tell anyone about it? _

_ <Private message from  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ to  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ > _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _ he’s going to go public as soon as… the thing we’re working on is complete. we can’t risk going public any sooner. _

_ <Private message from  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ to  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ > _

**_robynhood:_ ** _ and why not?  _

_ <Private message from  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ to  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ > _

**_LuckyCharm:_ ** _ I can’t tell you. just... please. if you can’t trust the General, at least trust me. we were friends once, weren’t we? _

_ <Private message from  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ to  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ > _

**_robynhood:_ ** _ yeah, we were. the fuck happened? _

**_robynhood:_ ** _ oh. wait. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Qorvid (no account I can link to, sadly) in the comments section for giving me the idea for Robyn's screenname and a few others! <3 I won't give too much away, but I do have a sequel planned, and the current working title for the sequel is "Be Gay Do Crime: A Novel by Robyn Hill" for. reasons. :P


	15. Politics™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weiss Schnee is Having A Time. She's not the only one. Not by a long shot.

**SchneezyPeasy:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **nyoompetals:** weissy are you ok

 **SchneezyPeasy:** what do you think?

 **PUNches:** that seems like a pretty solid “absolutely the fuck not”

 **shadowstrike:** Couldn’t imagine why

 **ospine:** did your brother catch up with ya

 **SchneezyPeasy:** if he tries anything again they won’t find his body

 **imthebirdguy:** WHOA okay no murder please

 **imthebirdguy:** no child murder anyway

 **imthebirdguy:** not saying i would turn a blind eye to a certain someone but you all definitely know who that is

 **goodestboy:** you know we’re in here too, right? :/

 **imthebirdguy:** caw caw motherfucker

 **goodestboy:** …...is that normal?

 **noraYES:** what???

 **sword_n_shield:** I’m going to take a wild guess that he typed that, looked you dead in the eyes, then jumped off the nearest high place and turned into a bird

 **goodestboy:** well he did a backflip but yes

 **sword_n_shield:** huh

 **nyoompetals:** clovers rubbing off on him

 **goodestboy:** not even gonna try to deny that one

 **PENNYV2:** Update from inside the dining room!

 **PENNYV2:** Winter just stormed out.

 **DoverT:** she did what now

 **I_Am_Winter:** Keep telling us what’s going on in there, Penny.

 **PENNYV2:** Yes ma’am!

 **nyoompetals:** what happened :<

 **I_Am_Winter:** All I’m doing at this point is making things worse. It’s been years. LITERAL years. And he STILL knows EXACTLY how to get to me, and how to use me against the father he never was.

 **I_Am_Winter:** Bastard.

 **nyoompetals:** do you want a hug

 **I_Am_Winter:** Not particularly.

 **nyoompetals:** are you sure

 **I_Am_Winter:** ...no.

 **nyoompetals:** im giving you a hug

 **nyoompetals:** wheres the dining room

 **ospine:** ruby i see u

 **ospine:** over here

 **nyoompetals:** got it

 **nyoompetals:** hey win you want two hugs for the price of one

 **I_Am_Winter:** 1) I did not consent to one hug.

 **I_Am_Winter:** 2) Win?

 **nyoompetals:** ye!!

 **imthebirdguy:** just let her hug you ice queen you dont want her to deploy the eyes

 **goodestboy:** YOU CAN TURN INTO A BIRD???

 **I_Am_Winter:** You can WHAT

 **imthebirdguy:** right i forgot about that

 **imthebirdguy:** worth it

 _ <Private message from _ **_LittleLamb_ ** _to_ **_robynhood_** _> _

**_LittleLamb:_ ** _ROBYN NOT TO DISTRACT YOU FROM YOUR VERY IMPORTANT FUCKING WITH IRONWOOD BUT WE HAVE A PROBLEM_

 **_LittleLamb:_ ** _BIIIIIIIG PROBLEM_

 **_LittleLamb:_ ** _AS IN “THE HEAT IS OFF IN MANTLE” PROBLEM_

 **_LittleLamb:_ ** _okay judging by the fact you haven’t starting screaming back at me yet you’ve got your scroll off for the meeting which, fair_

 **_LittleLamb:_ ** _but text me back as soon as you get this, we need you asap_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Qorvid in the comments for giving me Fiona's username~!


	16. With Friends Like These...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I actually have had the last three chapters sitting in my drive for like. A month. I have nothing to say for myself except that you'll be getting the next chapter tomorrow I swear.

_ Moderator  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ added  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ to <Communications Channel> _

**nyoompetals:** wait what

_ User  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ logged in _

**robynhood:** oooo, fancy

**robynhood:** don’t suppose you can add the rest of the Happy Huntresses while you’re at it?

**LuckyCharm:** I don’t remember their usernames and I don’t trust you not to rename the channel to something ridiculous if I make you a moderator

**LuckyCharm:** so no.

**robynhood:** I mean, fair

**robynhood:** I could totally just tell you their usernames tho

**robynhood:** LittleLamb, greenxleeves, gonnabeMAY

**LuckyCharm:** thanks give me a sec

**imthebirdguy:** so uhhh

**imthebirdguy:** nobody else questioning this

**robynhood:** I know about Salem.

**imthebirdguy:** welp that would do it

**PUNches:** hi robyn!

**robynhood:** heyo

**robynhood:** I’m guessing you’re fisticuffs

_ Moderator  _ **_LuckyCharm_ ** _ added  _ **_LittleLamb_ ** _ ,  _ **_greenxleeves_ ** _ , and  _ **_gonnabeMAY_ ** _ to <Communications Channel> _

**PUNches:** haha yep

**LuckyCharm:** sorry it took me so long, autocorrect kept wanting to correct Joanna’s username to greensleeves

**PUNches:** _@shadowstrike_ is blake

**shadowstrike:** hi

**robynhood:** gonna be honest, your username was about what I expected lol

**LuckyCharm:** how do you two know Robyn??

**PUNches:** dance club

**shadowstrike:** We went out dancing with Team FNKI the night of the election, Robyn dropped in before she went to the rally

**robynhood:** ofc I didn’t know then you two baby gays were military bootlickers ;)

**shadowstrike:** Oh don’t worry, the only boots I lick are Yang’s

**goodestboy:** UHHHHHH

**shadowstrike:** That sounded a lot better in my head, I’m going to shut up now

**sword_n_shield:** *insert epic sax solo here*

**shadowstrike:** Jaune, I know where you sleep

**sword_n_shield:** I have a ninja and a Nora, fucking bring it

_ User  _ **_gonnabeMAY_ ** _ logged in _

**gonnabeMAY:** the fuck is this??

**robynhood:** short version is we were wrong about Ironwood, we’ve got bigger problems, and a bunch of us are on our way to Mantle now. what’s the situation?

**gonnabeMAY:** well on a scale of one to ten of how fucked we all are, id guess a solid fifteen


	17. ...Who Needs Enemies?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is fine. (Everything is not fine.)

**robynhood:** so judging by the complete lack of activity here, half of you are locked from this channel and the other half are knocked out or worse.

**robynhood:** Qrow and I are sort of in prison at the moment. we both have our scrolls but he isn’t really in any condition to use it at the moment.

**robynhood:** which makes it my duty to tell you all that Clover is dead. Tyrian murdered him and Qrow blames himself. and of course the military blames Qrow. because justice! never mind that he’s fucking sobbing his eyes out and blames himself enough already!!!

**LuckyCharm:** stop telling everyone I’m dead 

**robynhood:** what the fuck

**robynhood:** Clover???

**LuckyCharm:** hi

**robynhood:** if you’re not dead then why the fuck is Qrow holding your pin, which is covered in blood by the way, and crying

**LuckyCharm:** that is a very good question and I don’t actually know the answer but please give him a hug first of all

**LuckyCharm:** probably has something to do with the fact that I’m pretty much frozen solid

**LuckyCharm:** I can only move my fingers and like one of my arms

**LuckyCharm:** and I’m legitimately scared about what’s going to happen once the rest of me unfreezes

**robynhood:** gimme a sec I’m gonna tell your man you’re alive

**LuckyCharm:** it’s probably better if he thinks I’m dead I will be soon

**robynhood:** what the FUCK did you know he could turn into a bird???

**imthebirdguy:** clover

**LuckyCharm:** I’m sorry. might as well tell you that before I’m gone for good

**imthebirdguy:** yOURE SORRY???

**imthebirdguy:** i fucking killed you

**LuckyCharm:** nah I distinctly remember Tyrian doing that

**LuckyCharm:** this was my choice and it was a fucking shitty one

**LuckyCharm:** so don’t you dare blame yourself. I might not be able to do much but I haven’t had my network access removed yet. say, did either of you happen to see the cell number you were in?

**robynhood:** B-12

**robynhood:** damn, thanks

**LuckyCharm:** at least I was able to do something to fix this

**LuckyCharm:** do me a favor, when you run into Tyrian again, don’t bring him in alive.

**robynhood:** will do. we’ll miss you. any idea where the kids are? 

**robynhood:** Qrow’s crying a bit too hard to type currently. 

**robynhood:** also probably shouldn’t be texting while we’re escaping but shh.

**nyoompetals:** back 

**nyoompetals:** got our scrolls unlocked again which whew

**nyoompetals:** were kind of mid escape in a ship thats definitely stolen this time

**robynhood:** don’t suppose you could come around and pick your uncle and I up

**nyoompetals:** on it

**nyoompetals:** working on unblocking everyone elses connection to this chat

**nyoompetals:** its rwby jnr penny maria and pietro 

**nyoompetals:** dont know where oscar is and jnr are crying a lot so i uh am slightly worried

**ospine:** im fine

**ospine:** im in mantle

**nyoompetals:** how tf

**ospine:** i really dont wanna talk about it rn

**nyoompetals:** k

**robynhood:** I’ll text my girls get them on finding you, kiddo, they forgot to lock me out of texting >:)

**ospine:** thx

**robynhood:** wtf happened with you tho, pipsqueak, I have a very concerned uncle here

**nyoompetals:** we sort of took on the ace ops minus clover

**LuckyCharm:** and you won, I assume! well done

**nyoompetals:** hi clover um ig were enemies now huh

**LuckyCharm:** not anymore

**nyoompetals:** ???

**LuckyCharm:** I may have been stabbed and left for dead. and will be dead very soon. so I’m doing what I can with the time I have left.

**LuckyCharm:** I can’t re-enable everyone’s scrolls, I’m afraid. I’m sorry.

**imthebirdguy:** ruby you said jaune was with you

**nyoompetals:** everyone except oscar and hes in mantle apparently

**imthebirdguy:** i can get myself and robyn out

**robynhood:** you can???

**imthebirdguy:** well never know if we dont try 

**imthebirdguy:** used to have a team attack where id carry tai with me in bird form and drop him on the enemy we called it firefly

**imthebirdguy:** out of practice but yes i can do it

**imthebirdguy:** ANYWAY thats not important now

**imthebirdguy:** ruby i need you to fly out to the tundra and save clover

**LuckyCharm:** I’m pretty sure I’m beyond saving but the thought is appreciated, even if I don’t exactly deserve it.

**imthebirdguy:** shut the fuck up you morbid pretty son of a bitch youre not dead yet and jaunes semblance is a literal lifesaver

**imthebirdguy:** therell be a crashed ship nearby it was still smoking when we got arrested 

**imthebirdguy:** and they just fucking left you there huh

**LuckyCharm:** casualty transport comes second priority, particularly in times like these

**imthebirdguy:** good youre coming with us

**robynhood:** we’ll join you down there in a few minutes apparently, and I know where to go from there.

**robynhood:** Joanna’s found Oscar, he isn’t fine but he is alive and unhurt minus a broken aura

**ospine:** im fine

**imthebirdguy:** anyway cloves just hold on ok

**LuckyCharm:** you honestly want me back after what I did

**imthebirdguy:** stop sounding like me stop arguing with me and dont fucking fall asleep

**LuckyCharm:** I can do that

**I_Am_Winter:** Did you all forget I was in this channel?

**SchneezyPeasy:** the Ace Ops are too but they’re all knocked out

**SchneezyPeasy:** or in Clover’s case, mostly dead

**LuckyCharm:** mostly dead is slightly alive!

**imthebirdguy:** how dare you reference the princess bride at a time like this

**SchneezyPeasy:** Winter, I hoped you’d be willing to pretend this channel didn’t exist for just a little while longer.

**I_Am_Winter:** You don’t know how much I wish I could.

**robynhood:** then do??? it’s not that hard

**robynhood:** we can spring you on our way out

**I_Am_Winter:** Absolutely not and the offer is not appreciated.

**robynhood:** your loss ;)

**LuckyCharm:** you know what?

**LuckyCharm:** if this channel is getting shut down anyway 

**I_Am_Winter:** Clover, as relieved as I am to know you’re still alive, don’t you dare.

**LuckyCharm:** _@J.Ironwould_ I sure could use an explanation

**LuckyCharm:** seeing as I’m about five minutes from going all the way dead after all

**sword_n_shield:** not if we get there first

**LuckyCharm:** _@J.Ironwould_ was it worth it? I don’t know the half of what’s happened but we both know it must have been serious for you to order me to arrest Qrow.

**LuckyCharm:** and it wasn’t worth it. not for me.

**LuckyCharm:** so humor a dying man. tell me. is abandoning Mantle worth it? is alienating the few allies you have left worth it? because I sure don’t think so.

**LuckyCharm:** if defeating Salem means this, then I’d rather live under her rule or die today.

**J.Ironwould:** I don’t owe you answers. I don’t owe anyone answers. I do what I must, as I always have.

**ospine:** sooooo shooting me off atlas was what you had to do

**sword_n_shield:** excuse me WHAT

**J.Ironwould:** I shot Ozpin. Not Oscar. He hasn’t been here for a long time, has he? Oscar, if he was still here, wouldn’t have survived that fall. Did I even meet Oscar? Or was he already dead when your group arrived.

**ospine:** ozpin is back as of you shooting me and we both would like to pass on a very hearty fuck you :)

**LuckyCharm:** you’re right, you don’t owe me answers, General. but I’m going to keep asking you for them until I’m gone. it’s not like I have anything better to do.

**sword_n_shield:** we’re on our fucking way

**J.Ironwould:** No craft you or your friends possess can save someone that far gone, Mr. Arc.

**sword_n_shield:** it’s huntsman arc to you. and I beg to differ.

**J.Ironwould:** Then beg. It makes no difference whether you succeed or fail. Captain Ebi is already dead to me.

**LuckyCharm:** ow

**J.Ironwould:** It’s almost poetic, in a way, that you’re responsible for the end of this channel as well as the last.

**J.Ironwould:** As for the rest of you: you can run. You can hide. You can join Salem herself if you like, it makes no difference to me.

**J.Ironwould:** I will find you. And when I do, expect no mercy.

_ Administrator  _ **_J.Ironwould_ ** _ closed channel <Communications Channel> _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes you're getting the juicy deets of what happened to the last ace ops comms channel next chap
> 
> no I will not elaborate more than that except that you'll be getting them straight from the himbo involved


	18. Be Gay, Do Crime: A Novel by Robyn Hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Official Ace Ops Communications Channel may be gone, but its legacy lives on in a new chatroom... or more specifically, an entirely separate chatroom that a lot of new people just got added to.

_ Administrator  _ **_robynhood_ ** _ added  _ **_PENNYV2_ ** _ to <Be Gay, Do Crime: A Novel by Robyn Hill> _

**robynhood:** and I think that’s everyone

**PENNYV2:** Thank you, Councilwoman Hill!

**robynhood:** not actually a councilwoman just robyn is fine

**PENNYV2:** Understood, Just Robyn!

**robynhood:** eh good enough

**robynhood:** so, cloves, how did you get the last channel shut down exactly?

**LuckyCharm:** robyn I nearly died please give me a break

**robynhood:** eh you had your moment, you’re fine now

**sword_n_shield:** no he iS NOT

**sword_n_shield:** if you get up I WILL get someone to sit on you

**shadowstrike:** You mean Qrow right

**imthebirdguy:** hey i didnt agree to this

**robynhood:** oh please ive seen the way you two look at each other

**imthebirdguy:** no you havent

**LuckyCharm:** you know what? Fine

**LuckyCharm:** it was actually really stupid in retrospect

**nyoompetals:** im listening owo

**LuckyCharm:** before I start, Ruby, I don’t suppose you have a RemTube account by the name of xXx-ScytheMaster-xXx

**nyoompetals:** uhhhh maybe

**nyoompetals:** i only ever posted one video that got any attention tho 

**nyoompetals:** it was mostly shitposts like narrating my teammates lives and a couple of videos for doc ooblecks class

**nyoompetals:** i didnt even take the video that got tons of attention tbh ren did

**RenTheNinja:** My RemTube channel is exclusively cooking videos. It wouldn’t have fit my channel theme.

**sword_n_shield:** why does that not surprise me in the slightest? but also how did I not know about this

**noraYES:** we told you about it like twice?????

**sword_n_shield:** I HAVE THE MEMORY OF A GOLDFISH OKAY

**RenTheNinja:** To be fair, I haven’t uploaded anything since the Fall of Beacon, mainly because of the CCT Network being down. Most of my viewers were based in Mistral and Vacuo, after all.

**robynhood:** yeah somehow I doubt that tower’s going up anytime soon

**robynhood:** still not seeing what this has to do with the og comms channel being closed

**LuckyCharm:** well, you know what, what do I have to lose at this point? my life?

**imthebirdguy:** too soon

**LuckyCharm:** maybe I’ll get lucky ;)

**imthebirdguy:** TOO SOON

**LuckyCharm:** sorry. I may have seen a particular video involving a particular Special Operative fighting a particular huntsman.

**LuckyCharm:** I mentioned something about said particular huntsman having definitely won that fight, and also being rather dashing.

**LuckyCharm:** unfortunately, I had barely said that before someone behind me asked, “Clover, what’s so funny?”

**LuckyCharm:** IT WAS HER.

**LuckyCharm:** so I panicked and deleted the whole channel and said my scroll glitched, as you do in these situations.

**robynhood:** this just in: Clover Ebi is a gay DISASTER LMFAOOOOO

**LuckyCharm:** and you aren’t?

**robynhood:** touche

**imthebirdguy:** damn who was the lucky huntsman

**PUNches:** PFFF

**imthebirdguy:** fuck 

**imthebirdguy:** you read nothing yang xiao long

**imthebirdguy:** NOTHING

**PUNches:** you punned im so proud

**imthebirdguy:** IT WAS UNINTENTIONAL

**PUNches:** THAT MAKES IT BETTER OLD MAN

**sword_n_shield:** Uncle Qrow, hate to interrupt this tender family bonding moment but I think Clover’s about to jump out the window

**imthebirdguy:** EXCUSE ME WHAT

**sword_n_shield:** it’s only one story not like that

**sword_n_shield:** you’d better come sit on him

**imthebirdguy:** oh ok

**imthebirdguy:** wait

**nyoompetals:** _@LuckyCharm @imthebirdguy_ please fucking make out already 

**LuckyCharm:** uh

**imthebirdguy:** pff good one pipsqueak

**imthebirdguy:** like cloves would ever like me back

**noraYES:** BACK?????!??!?!

**imthebirdguy:** FUCK that was autocorrect

**LuckyCharm:** I do and I’ve been flirting with you literally from day 1 you can’t possibly be this thick

**robynhood:** AHAHAHAHAHA

**gonnabeMAY:** you are tho clover

**LuckyCharm:** AND YOU CALLED ME THE HIMBO!

**greenxleeves:** no youre deffo the himbo in this relationship

**greenxleeves:** now smooch

**imthebirdguy:** you know what ok

**imthebirdguy:** clover where are you

**LuckyCharm:** same place I’ve been since we got here

**imthebirdguy:** yep that makes sense

**imthebirdguy:** omw

**PENNYV2:** They are SMOOCHING!

**nyoompetals:** FUCKING FINALLY

**ospine:** Indeed.

**nyoompetals:** …...Professor Ozpin?

**ospine:** Hello, Miss Rose. Oscar let me in front briefly to say, well… I’m glad Qrow did find some happiness. He deserves it. Truth be told, you all deserve much better than me.

**ospine:** im back

**ospine:** oz is still guilttrippin himself

**nyoompetals:** maybe hes guilttripping himself into a better person?

**ospine:** hope so

**LittleLamb:** WE BACK BITCHES

**LittleLamb:** BREAKING NEWS: IRONWOOD IS A BITCH-ASS MOTHERFUCKER

**robynhood:** we already knew that lol

**LittleLamb:** TRUE!

**LittleLamb:** just restating it for the former bootlicker in the back

**shadowstrike:** He might be a… little distracted for the near future :3

**LittleLamb:** oh fucking finally

**PUNches:** ikr it was getting physically painful to watch those two

**imthebirdguy:** I HATE YOU ALL

**LuckyCharm:** he doesn’t :)

**imthebirdguy:** i dont

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably write a sequel once V8 comes out just to see how much of canon I want to have it follow :> in the meantime, thank y'all so much for reading, why not check out some of my other works while you're here? I've got quite a few RWBY fics, and more than a few in other fandoms, and I'm sure you'll find something you like. :D
> 
> thanks for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> by the way, if you liked this fic and you want to read more RWBY stuff by me, why not give my [other fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22312813/chapters/53295703) a read? it's a crossover, technically, but if you're not familiar with Warframe it's basically just a whole lot of OCs and canon divergence. a _lot_ of canon divergence, but also less than you might expect in some places. :)


End file.
